You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
