I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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