Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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