So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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