I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
