Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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