last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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