I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
