the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
