did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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