your thong is hanging out like whoa
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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