I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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