I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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