there's paper in my vomit.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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