I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
