Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Someone shattered a urinal.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
