This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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