I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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