Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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