Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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