I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
