mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize