i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i believe in u and ur pee
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
