you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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