Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Randomize