well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
