bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
