I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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