Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
