I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
