woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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