Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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