can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
