glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
