not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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