the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
