Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize