Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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