when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
