saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
