tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
