I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I need water and some morals
Randomize
