i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
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