I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
soo... how was my night?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
