Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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