My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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