That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
