I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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