We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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