Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
