So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
