We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
