just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
