she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
