Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
