If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize