im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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