So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
the condom got lost in my hair
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
