Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
there's paper in my vomit.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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