It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
