I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
